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Get it Together, Ziggy

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Filed under liberator76, satire

ziggyNo one likes a complainer and no one likes you, Ziggy. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being. I guess you have one redeeming quality. At least you don’t put a toupee on that bald head of yours. But you never go that extra step and actually figure out how to deal with life, Ziggy.

You’re a worthless waste of flesh and I wish they’d run a series where you hang yourself in your closet. There’s no point to your life. Do you think your pets need you, Ziggy? They take care of you and your sorry excuse for a life. Even your pets hate you, Ziggy.

Why don’t you go out and do something for once. All you do is complain about how your damn computer isn’t working. You know why your computer doesn’t work, Ziggy? You know why? Because you’re a fucking idiot. That’s why.

Your life is as joyless as it is pointless and you bring no light to my own. I can actually take care of myself, Ziggy. My computer actually works when I turn it on, Ziggy. Either get a hold of yourself or just end it. I’d prefer if you were a meth addled tweaker. At least you’d have an excuse. At least then you’d have an ounce of fucking motivation to actually do something. Why don’t you go fuck Jon Arbuckle? Go have a love affair with Jon. End it in a murder suicide and do the world some good for a change.

Get it together, Ziggy.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.

* This post originally appeared 9 years ago on epinions.com. It was a product review for some Ziggy related piece of merchandise. It made me 22 cents.

Vick Saves Dog

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Filed under general, satire

What a nice story. This will definitely help his image. Click pic to enlarge:

Vick Saves Dog

And click here for the article that I pillaged.

Travel By Septa

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Filed under Philly, Photo, general, news, political, promotion, satire

sw19

FOR A FULL GALLERY OF PHOTOS CLICK HERE, or read to the end… there’s another link there.

* This is a cross-post with Phillyskyline.com’s Independence Pass series. The project sent 5 photographers across Philadelphia with an all day, all access Septa Pass. There were no rules except to travel by Septa, take photos and return to base by 6PM.

Cars are made for destinations. You pick a place and you go there. Public transit is made for exploration. You pick a place and follow a network of asphalt and rail until you get close enough that you can get off and walk the rest of the way. My approach was a little different from that of Steve Ives or Chris Dougherty. For better or for worse, I took virtually no photos while riding Septa or waiting at its stops. My intention was to go to an area and wander.

Here’s a set of loose rules that I made for myself:

- Stay within city limits.
- Visit places you’ve never been, or never explored on foot.
- Cover a lot of ground.
- Ride the 23 from end to end.
- Eat good food along the way.

Here’s how it worked itself out:

From 12th and Market I walked underground to City Hall, where I caught the el to Frankford Terminal. The highlight of the trip was a conversation with a 60+ year old man sitting in front of me. We talked about electric cars, flying cars and killing people for a $500 debt. He flashed me a thick wad of hundreds to illustrate his killing people over money story, and as we both got off at Frankford Terminal he left me with the advice “don’t get pussy whipped.” It was 9:30 in the morning and he was pretty drunk.

From Frankford Terminal I hopped the 58 to my first destination: the Russian neighborhood in the far Northeast. Even as a native Philadelphian, I know virtually nothing about the Northeast and even less about the Russian district. Following the advice of Wikipedia, I got off at Bustleton and Grant and headed north.

In my mile or so hike through Bustleton, I found a couple Russian heavy strip malls, browsed a grocery store that sold veal brains, giant cans of wild mushrooms, whole pickled apples and 100 kinds of sausage/smoked fish. I hung around until noon, when a restaurant I’d been eying opened. There I got a deep fried meat crepe and zucchini cakes. Both were good, but a little bland. The only other people in the restaurant were a group of well dressed and surly looking Russian men, drinking vodka and looking generally unfriendly to the idea some jackass with a camera. Heeding legends of the Russian mob, I decided not to photograph them or anything near them. I left my camera in the bag as I waited for my lunch.

After getting my pants covered in crepe grease, it was on to the second leg of my journey. I hopped back on the 58 and rode it to Bustleton and Cottman. From there I walked to Cottman And Torresdale. In my limited knowledge of the Northeast, I think of Cottman Avenue is some kind of divider between lower and upper, greater and lesser . . . something or other. I thought that skirting the border would make for some interesting contrasts and was right. The 2 mile trek made for some good photos.

For Toynbee tile fans, I should also note that there are 4 tiles along that stretch of Cottman Ave. Cottman and the Boulevard, Cottman and Frankford and 2 large ones at Cottman and Torresdale.

The walk worked my appetite back up, so I got on the 70 and rode clear back across the city, briefly into Cheltenham and eventually to the third leg of my trip: Olney. I got off at 5th and Godfrey and made my way down towards Olney Avenue a mile or so away.

I was just south and/or west of the Korean bbq’s where I’d wanted to eat, and most of the restaurants I did find were closed anyway. At 5th and Olney I changed up my plans and stopped into a small Caribbean spot for some chicken roti and fresh grapefruit juice. The bread was homemade, the flavor mild but excellent and the in-store DJ a nice touch.

From there, I started down Olney Avenue towards the R8 stop at Mascher Street, but after a couple blocks spotted a 26 and caught that instead. The bus was crowded, but the ride to Broad Street was less than 5 minutes. At Broad and Olney, I hopped the L bus to the top of Chestnut Hill. After a pit stop at the Borders bathroom and culture shock at the ridiculous wealth of the Hill, I was back on my way.

Which brings me to the 23:

Even though I took almost no photos ON the buses and trains, my 100 minutes on the 23 deserves some deeper acknowledgment. Starting in one of the richest neighborhoods in the city, the bus descends into middle class Mount Airy and working class Germantown.

By the time we hit Germantown and Chelten in downtown G-town, the bus was packed and sounded like a party. Music was playing, people laughing, food and drink flowed freely, some dude with no shirt got on… The fun lasted to Wayne Junction. Next come the Nicetown and Logan neighborhoods, where the the stability of the northwest begins to lose its grip. Somewhere across Broad and Erie, it drops off a cliff.

I say this reluctantly and as someone with only a tenuous right to judge, but Fairhill is a wreck. Tenth street between Germantown and Susquehanna is like some shell of a former civilization. I say this as someone who’s been to every non-northeastern corner of this city. Last week I spent the day at 6th and Indiana and felt a lot of optimism for the West Kensington neighborhood formerly (and recently) known as “The Badlands.” But a few days later exactly 4 blocks to the west, I look out a bus window of the 23 at upturned sidewalks, shells of houses, garbage, decay and deserted streets and just about lose hope for the city and for humanity as a whole.

Things improve as the bus rolls up 12th street towards the shimmering decadence of Center City, but the damage is done. I now see Center City as that same post apocalyptic landscape . . . just one covered in a thin veneer of temporary affluence. A rehabbed building can become a shell too easily. The cracks in the corners can and will spread until the building, the street and the entire city is consumed. It takes almost nothing to tip the scales from wealth to poverty to total collapse. The line is thin and easy to cross.

My pessimism eventually gave way somewhere near Washington Avenue. My mood change probably had something to do with the fight against entropy that new blood brings. In upper South Philly, Asian and Central American immigrants have brought plenty of new energy and have wasted no time in putting it to use, rehabbing buildings and opening new businesses.

At 10th and Oregon, just a few blocks shy of the end of the 23, something compelled me to abandon the bus and take a walk around deep South Philly. I was running a little late on the 6PM deadline, but wanted to take one last walk on what was turning into a perfect summer evening. The walk was worth it. At 9th Street, I was hired on the spot to take photos for a new cell phone store and its owner, Stanley. At 10th, I ran into a block party, where people were playing halfball. Honest to god halfball! But I was running late.

The last part of my trip was an unceremonious ride up Broad Street on the Orange Line. At City Hall, I walked off the train and officially closed the circle.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<FOR A FULL GALLERY OF PHOTOS CLICK HERE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Septa Fail

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Filed under General, promotion, satire

Everyone should take a minute to visit Albert Yee’s Septa Fail and then take another minute to contribute. This blog’s got potential. Here’s my first entry:
It’s the 1990′s and the dishonesty of the Clinton administration has struck a nerve with the general public. At a meeting of the Septa elite, discussion of a new slogan has entered its 26th week.

“no, no NO!” is the consensus on everything the marketing team comes up with. In a fit, they kick out the overpriced firm and enter into a state of deep and purposeful self reflection.

After a long silence, the CEO opens his eyes and raises his head. “We need to be honest. For once in this miserable fucking company’s shit filled history, we need to be honest with ourselves.”

“Come on now” responded one of the company’s many incompetent Managers. “It’s not as bad as you make it out to be.”

“We’re getting there.” chimed some other idiot.

And just like that, it was as if one of the dirt encrusted, flickering fluorescent lightbulbs that line the bowels of the subway lit up above each of their dimwitted heads.

“That’s it!”

from phillyskyline.com

image from phillyskyline.com

Weekend Hitler, or I thought he shot Leica

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Filed under General, promotion, satire

Going Negative

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Filed under General, Philly, satire

Now that budget cuts have beaten Philadelphia back into post Phillies/Obama reality, it’s time to go negative and make some enemies.

As I understand it, long ago when the city was deciding which neighborhood to eviscerate with an inadequate highway, South Street was on the shortlist. Believe it or not Society Hill used to be a poor ghetto, so the planned construction would have only affected the powerless. At the time, this made the location viable. I’m not a local historian and haven’t done any of research so I can’t say why, but for one reason or another I-676 was built on Vine street instead. Chinatown was pissed. And rightly so.

Take a look at the neighborhood now. South of Vine, we have a vibrant mix of bustling urban neighborhoods. North of the expressway… not so much. Over the decades, Chinatown has trickled north of Vine, opening schools, churches, warehouses and massage parlors. Homes have been built and buildings renovated. All in all though, the vast expanse between Vine and Spring Garden is an identity starved, post-industrial wasteland. Along with the sporadically distributed Chinatown presence, the neighborhood is full of luxury lofts, office space, businesses, warehouses, schools, artist studios, bars, restaurants and general abandonment. If someone knocked you out and you woke up in the parking lot at Broad and Spring Garden, Chinatown is the last place that you’d say that you were.

Which is why back in the 90′s, the Chinatown CDC’s vocal opposition to the construction of a stadium at Broad and Spring Garden kind of irked me. Broad and Spring Garden is nowhere near Chinatown. If he were standing in front of any one of the murals at the proposed site, not even Ryan Howard could hit a ball hard enough to reach Chinatown. School District Headquarters? Yes. The Inquirer building? Maybe. Community College? He’s got an outside shot. But Chinatown? Hell no.

But so many years ago, I gave the CDC the benefit of the doubt. I-676 did legitimately steamroll through the neighborhood and the community does have somewhat of a case with the whole Convention Center thing. If that never happened, who knows how far and how quickly Chinatown would have grown?

With that said, I was still kind of pissed. North Broad is absolutely starved for development. While the major, totally-not-Chinatown North Broad corridor has seen nominal change in the years since the stadium proposal was scrapped, there’s no telling what could have been. As I saw it, North Philly got screwed because the Chinatown CDC planted a flag way past the legitimate boundaries of influence.

Can anyone else imagine a seamless transition from Center City, to a bustling new stadium at Spring Garden, to a rehabbed North Broad straight into Temple’s Campus in the former “heart” of North Philadelphia? Can anyone else see Girard ave pushing east towards Fishtown at the same time those neighborhoods were pushing west towards Broad and beyond? I understand that I’m shamelessly advocating aggressive gentrification here, but fuck it. North Broad needs it. The city needs it. This isn’t a discussion about the costs and benefits of gentrification, this is a rant.

On top of all of this, can anyone else imagine attending a Phillies game at a newly revitalized Broad and Spring Garden? Center City would have shifted inexorably north. Neighborhoods that have been neglected for decades would have seen real investment and change. But no. Instead we have Osteria and a couple of doomed restaurants, a smattering of overpriced condos, a few very large vacant buildings that were bought and never rehabbed, some giant surface parking lots/vacant lots and a whole lot of neglect. Victory for Chinatown?

Which brings us to today.

First off, the casinos are a horrible idea and both Foxwoods and Sugarhouse executives should be chased out of town by a mob of crazed Philadelphian’s carrying pitchforks and torches. No matter where they’re built, any benefit in tax dollars will come at a huge social cost. Has any proponent of these casinos ever taken a look around Atlantic City? It’s a shithole. All the locals are either unemployed, alcoholic skinheads or desperate, tweaked out meth whores. Fuck the casinos.

With that said, the claim that 8th and Market is even ostensibly a part of Chinatown just pisses me off. I mean, what the fuck? This city doesn’t orbit around Chinatown. If anything it orbits around the goddamn Liberty Bell, which by the way is a block closer to 8th and Market than the Chinatown Gate is. But I don’t hear the National Park Service claiming the Gallery is part of their domain. I don’t hear anyone at nearby City Hall, or Washington Square, Jewlers Row, East Chestnut, Market, Sansom, Walnut business and residential associations saying much either. When is the last time you heard about members of the Gayborhood rising up to protest the development of a shopping center on Washington Ave? When is the last time you heard the old bats in Rittenhouse oppose the construction of an apartment building in University City?

While I’m mostly just being an asshole for the sake of it, I wouldn’t have been inclined to take this dickhead position had that stadium thing never happened. In a stadium-opposition-less world, I’d be fully supportive of the Chinatown CDC’s protest against the Gallery slots. I hate the idea of casinos and this one will be geographically close to the neighborhood.

But unfortunately, the CDC blew its sympathy load with the stadium opposition. At this point, there’s no leverage. If you complain about every goddamn thing that happens, you lose legitimacy. Maybe I’m just a callous asshole, but these projects aren’t targeting Chinatown. They’re targeting one of the densest districts in the middle of the east coast’s second largest city. There’s not a lot of room to work with around here. Space is tight and neighborhoods are small. So if Donald Trump wants to tear down the 1200 block of Race and build a gold-leaf encased condo tower, by all means mount a vocal opposition and stop it. But don’t cry wolf. If the CDC wants no neighbors and unlimited room to expand, I’ve heard that land in Pike County is cheap. As it is, 8th and Market is in the middle of a commercial district. It’s near a lot of things. And you know what’s going to happen if Foxwoods pulls out of center city? They’ll build the fucking thing in Nicetown.

That’s all for now.

It’s come to this

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Filed under General, Philly, political, satire

and of course:

Serra Paylin: Thanks Hustler!

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Filed under General, promotion, satire

What I’m about to post is deeply disgusting and an offense to women everywhere. With that said, it’s about Sarah Palin. It’s also spotted here and there with some genuinely good satire. And finally, at risk of saying something as stupid as “she brought it on herself” she really did kind of bring it on herself. Did you see the debate? She was flirting with everyone in the United States. There are a lot of sick fucks out there.

But anyway, read to the end. It starts slow, but the satire reaches its climax later in the script. Drill, baby, drill!

















Poor still Worthless to Nation’s Future

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Filed under General, satire

The Federal Reserve continued to deny a bailout to more than 38,000,000 Americans living in poverty, characterizing such a move as “an unnecessary burden to hardworking taxpayers.” Calling the potential action by the Fed a “dangerous step towards a socialist system that we cannot afford to take.” President Bush condemned the measure in an address from his 1600 acre ranch in Crawford Texas. The President was joined by a chorus of lawmakers from both sides of the aisle who stood firmly against the proposal.

The news wasn’t a surprise to the teeming throngs of America’s poor. From the trailers scattered across the nation’s rural landscapes to the broken down homes clustered in its vast urban ghettos, the governments ambivalence is nothing new. “They’ve been ignoring us forever.” Said an anonymous poverty-stricken citizen.

Critics argue that a bailout would help stem the potentially devastating affects caused by the economic collapse of 40,000,000 Americans. “Crime, substance abuse, poor nutrition, lack of education. These aren’t just problems of a select few.” Spoke Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “The problems of the poor trickle up, touching people at all levels of our economy. From the small business owner who can’t find a skilled employee, to the CEO who has to move 50 miles from where he works, just to find a gated community where his family won’t have to encounter them. This is an issue that truly affects us all.”

The sentiment fell on deaf ears in both houses of Congress as well as the Executive Office. “It’s not the government’s job to protect the people of this country.” Spoke Kansas Senator Sam Brownback. “God helps those who help themselves.”

Northwest Territories

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Filed under General, neighborhoods, satire

I grew up in a strange little corner of Philadelphia called Mt. Airy. If you’ve never been there, Mt. Airy is like a college town without a college… or students. Imagine West Philly if all the Penn kids died, all the poor people were middle class, all the gentrifiers were 30 years older and all the punks were trees. That’s Mt. Airy.

I love the place, but it also gets on my fucking nerves. Mt. Airy is full of people who wear socks with their sandals. Everyone power walks and eats lots of sprouts. Weaver’s Way co-op, (the beating, bloody heart of the neighborhood) is half Whole Foods and half dive-bar behind a strip club at last call. Levels of self satisfaction are nearly intolerable. There are a lot of Jewish people, but half of them are Buddhists. It’s full of lesbian couples with Chinese babies, men with gray pony tails, reiki practitioners and people wearing fanny packs.

It’s also one of the few, fairly well integrated, middle class neighborhoods in the city. While it’s not as well mixed as a place like Kensington, it’s also not desperately poor or terrifyingly violent. These qualities help it stand apart from other Philadelphia neighborhoods and make me use words like ‘successful’ when I’m describing it.

But getting back to annoyances, residents tend hold the place up like some kind of Barack Obama Utopia. For example, look at this offensively self congratulatory, and annoyingly pompous passage from Wikipedia:

The area is recognized by many civil rights groups as one of the first successfully integrated neighborhoods in America. [5][6] Mount Airy continues to be the most well-blended neighborhood in Philadelphia, and was recently cited in Oprah Winfrey’s O magazine for its racial diversity and neighborhood appeal. The community has also been recognized by US News & World Report for racial harmony and balance.

…Also a Hare Krishna community is located on West Allens Lane. Mount Airy has long been the neighborhood of choice for the city’s elite African Americans…

Who the hell writes this shit? But anyway, the racial “harmony and balance” front, Mt. Airy does actually do a lot better than most places. It’s also got tons of kids and green space and is an all around great place to live if you have a kid or plan on making one.

But what’s the point of this post? I think there was one when I started, but I can’t seem to remember it. Why the hell does it have to have a point anyway? That’s all for now.