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Monthly Archives: November 2008

This Post Will Haunt You For The Rest of Your Life

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Filed under General, weird

Are you depressed? Do you want to be? Either way, you should dim the lights, sit down, stare straight ahead and listen to this 45-minute recording produced by Jim Jones, during his big Kool Aid party down in Jonestown. I don’t mean to joke or be dismissive. The tape is easily one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard. For example, in the beginning you hear lots of children crying… but by the end, they’re all gone.

As awful as it might be, I think that there’s some horrible kind of value in listening to an audio recording of the largest mass suicide in modern history. What that is, I don’t know. All I can say is that when the tape was over, I felt a strong sense of disconnection from where I had been. I’m not trying to say that I understand how it happened, because I don’t. But it did happen and it can happen. For better of for worse, that’s something people should understand about themselves.

Mercy Killings for all!

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Filed under General, Philly, Sports

It was about 3:45 yesterday afternoon when I heard the familiar, annual speech. This year I heard it while I was driving home from an afternoon of holiday shopping at a liquor store in New Jersey. I was just getting towards home when Merrill Reese started in: Eagles fans are watching in frustration as any faint hope left for this miserable season slips away forever. Yes, this is an awful time for Eagles fans.

Some years the speech comes during the playoffs. Those are the good years. For a few years during Andy Reid’s reign, they came during the NFC Championship game. One year the speech even came during the Superbowl. That was the best year that I’m old enough to remember. This year the season is over before Thanksgiving. It hasn’t been this bad since Rich Kotite.

I’ve defended McNabb for years. He was a very good quarterback. Not great, but very good. He could have been great. He could won a Superbowl. Or two. But he didn’t. I’ve begrudgingly defended Andy Reid. Obvious and frustrating deficiencies aside, he did win a lot. Not anymore. Now they just suck so bad it’s actually kind of funny.

***

But just when I thought football news couldn’t get any worse, I got a Facebook invite to a pre-football game party this Wednesday. It seems that in honor of my high school’s annual Thanksgiving Day game against Northeast High, a bunch of enormous fucking losers are meeting up to celebrate. All I can say is anyone who shows up to a high school football pre-game party at Lucy’s Hat Shop 10+ years post-graduation should be euthanized. Jesus.

Weekend Video

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Filed under General, promotion

Blast from the past:

Aliens

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Filed under General, Philly, weird

One of the things I hate most about George W. Bush is how he’s reshaped internet conspiracy culture. In the 90′s all the talk was of UFO’s and government cover-ups of intergalactic wars. The best stories were strange metaphysical treatises written by total lunatics. I remember reading that Harry Truman was a cold-blooded alien, who killed the entire United States Congress with a ray gun during his inauguration. It was great. But now all the conspiracy sites are hung up on 9-11 being an inside job and how everything is really the fault of the Jews. (actually, the politically correct term among today’s holocaust deniers is “Zionists.”)

But anyway, all this is to say that conspiracy theories have forgotten how to have fun. That’s why I was happy to hear about a rash of UFO sightings in Bucks County. Not only that, but apparently an alien being was spotted lingering around the mens section of a Philadelphia area J.C. Penny.

“He was standing by a clothes rack,” the report said. “She described him as being male, no hair, gray skin, almond black eyes with a lumpy heavily wrinkled face.” The alien appeared to be shopping and had a “pleasant smile” for ladies in the store.

Yet the woman told MUFON she decided to leave the scene “because she and her husband were planning to attend a movie.” [story]

And for those of you who think this couldn’t happen, what’s stranger:

1. An alien being shopping at J.C. Penny
2. A woman seeing an alien being shopping at J.C. Penny, losing interest and going to catch the 4:10 show of Saw 5 instead?

Well, I guess the first one is stranger, but here’s hoping an Obama administration inspires more of this kind of activity.

Crumb

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Filed under General, Philly, promotion

In anticipation of visiting R. Crumb’s exhibition at the ICA, I sat down and watched the Crumb documentary again. Again, wow.

I can’t say much that hasn’t already been said… except that the man is clearly a product of Philadelphia. He’s like some kind of monstrous composite of half a dozen people from my past, all Philadelphian. From the bitterness, the depression, the fear, talent, inspiration, affectation, sexual depravity and infuriating self-absorption all the way to the enormous penis, I have known this man.

This city is full of Crumbs, but most of them are utter failures. They lose faith and lose motivation. Their talents atrophy, they develop dependence or addiction to drugs and alcohol. They stop changing their filthy semen encrusted pants and between evictions, heat their disgusting, roach infested apartments with an open oven door. They work the night shift in convenience stores and gas stations. They’re the people that work in the little glowing parking lot booths at 3AM and the desperate scumbags you see lined up at the Midtown bar. Their closets are full of bizarre pornography and beautiful artwork from their past. If they’re men, they hate women and if they’re women, they hate everyone. On that cheery note, be sure not to miss the exhibit at the ICA!

Going Negative

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Filed under General, Philly, satire

Now that budget cuts have beaten Philadelphia back into post Phillies/Obama reality, it’s time to go negative and make some enemies.

As I understand it, long ago when the city was deciding which neighborhood to eviscerate with an inadequate highway, South Street was on the shortlist. Believe it or not Society Hill used to be a poor ghetto, so the planned construction would have only affected the powerless. At the time, this made the location viable. I’m not a local historian and haven’t done any of research so I can’t say why, but for one reason or another I-676 was built on Vine street instead. Chinatown was pissed. And rightly so.

Take a look at the neighborhood now. South of Vine, we have a vibrant mix of bustling urban neighborhoods. North of the expressway… not so much. Over the decades, Chinatown has trickled north of Vine, opening schools, churches, warehouses and massage parlors. Homes have been built and buildings renovated. All in all though, the vast expanse between Vine and Spring Garden is an identity starved, post-industrial wasteland. Along with the sporadically distributed Chinatown presence, the neighborhood is full of luxury lofts, office space, businesses, warehouses, schools, artist studios, bars, restaurants and general abandonment. If someone knocked you out and you woke up in the parking lot at Broad and Spring Garden, Chinatown is the last place that you’d say that you were.

Which is why back in the 90′s, the Chinatown CDC’s vocal opposition to the construction of a stadium at Broad and Spring Garden kind of irked me. Broad and Spring Garden is nowhere near Chinatown. If he were standing in front of any one of the murals at the proposed site, not even Ryan Howard could hit a ball hard enough to reach Chinatown. School District Headquarters? Yes. The Inquirer building? Maybe. Community College? He’s got an outside shot. But Chinatown? Hell no.

But so many years ago, I gave the CDC the benefit of the doubt. I-676 did legitimately steamroll through the neighborhood and the community does have somewhat of a case with the whole Convention Center thing. If that never happened, who knows how far and how quickly Chinatown would have grown?

With that said, I was still kind of pissed. North Broad is absolutely starved for development. While the major, totally-not-Chinatown North Broad corridor has seen nominal change in the years since the stadium proposal was scrapped, there’s no telling what could have been. As I saw it, North Philly got screwed because the Chinatown CDC planted a flag way past the legitimate boundaries of influence.

Can anyone else imagine a seamless transition from Center City, to a bustling new stadium at Spring Garden, to a rehabbed North Broad straight into Temple’s Campus in the former “heart” of North Philadelphia? Can anyone else see Girard ave pushing east towards Fishtown at the same time those neighborhoods were pushing west towards Broad and beyond? I understand that I’m shamelessly advocating aggressive gentrification here, but fuck it. North Broad needs it. The city needs it. This isn’t a discussion about the costs and benefits of gentrification, this is a rant.

On top of all of this, can anyone else imagine attending a Phillies game at a newly revitalized Broad and Spring Garden? Center City would have shifted inexorably north. Neighborhoods that have been neglected for decades would have seen real investment and change. But no. Instead we have Osteria and a couple of doomed restaurants, a smattering of overpriced condos, a few very large vacant buildings that were bought and never rehabbed, some giant surface parking lots/vacant lots and a whole lot of neglect. Victory for Chinatown?

Which brings us to today.

First off, the casinos are a horrible idea and both Foxwoods and Sugarhouse executives should be chased out of town by a mob of crazed Philadelphian’s carrying pitchforks and torches. No matter where they’re built, any benefit in tax dollars will come at a huge social cost. Has any proponent of these casinos ever taken a look around Atlantic City? It’s a shithole. All the locals are either unemployed, alcoholic skinheads or desperate, tweaked out meth whores. Fuck the casinos.

With that said, the claim that 8th and Market is even ostensibly a part of Chinatown just pisses me off. I mean, what the fuck? This city doesn’t orbit around Chinatown. If anything it orbits around the goddamn Liberty Bell, which by the way is a block closer to 8th and Market than the Chinatown Gate is. But I don’t hear the National Park Service claiming the Gallery is part of their domain. I don’t hear anyone at nearby City Hall, or Washington Square, Jewlers Row, East Chestnut, Market, Sansom, Walnut business and residential associations saying much either. When is the last time you heard about members of the Gayborhood rising up to protest the development of a shopping center on Washington Ave? When is the last time you heard the old bats in Rittenhouse oppose the construction of an apartment building in University City?

While I’m mostly just being an asshole for the sake of it, I wouldn’t have been inclined to take this dickhead position had that stadium thing never happened. In a stadium-opposition-less world, I’d be fully supportive of the Chinatown CDC’s protest against the Gallery slots. I hate the idea of casinos and this one will be geographically close to the neighborhood.

But unfortunately, the CDC blew its sympathy load with the stadium opposition. At this point, there’s no leverage. If you complain about every goddamn thing that happens, you lose legitimacy. Maybe I’m just a callous asshole, but these projects aren’t targeting Chinatown. They’re targeting one of the densest districts in the middle of the east coast’s second largest city. There’s not a lot of room to work with around here. Space is tight and neighborhoods are small. So if Donald Trump wants to tear down the 1200 block of Race and build a gold-leaf encased condo tower, by all means mount a vocal opposition and stop it. But don’t cry wolf. If the CDC wants no neighbors and unlimited room to expand, I’ve heard that land in Pike County is cheap. As it is, 8th and Market is in the middle of a commercial district. It’s near a lot of things. And you know what’s going to happen if Foxwoods pulls out of center city? They’ll build the fucking thing in Nicetown.

That’s all for now.

The silent majority isn’t a majority anymore

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Filed under General, political

Holy shit. I mean wow. Just wow. Last night none of the speeches or massive celebrations or car horns, or TV commentators could make it seem real. This morning, it sunk in.

People talk about how perceptions of the United States will be changing around the world. Fuck around the world. This morning as I walked home, I felt like I was in some strange foreign country. Who were all these people who overwhelmingly elected an African American, intellectual, liberal named Barack Hussein Obama into the White House, and where the fuck have they been all this time? Apparently they’ve been hiding somewhere here in the United States.

My perceptions have changed. I guess I bought into the whole real/fake America bullshit more than I should have. As it turns out, fake America votes. They wave flags. They come from every ethnic background and social class and apparently they make up a solid majority of the electorate. When Obama won, they formed an impromptu parade down Market Street to the Liberty Bell. What insidious bastards.

The old white guy lost to the young black man. Nationally. Even given 8 years of the most disastrous presidency in American History I didn’t see this happening. Even given that John McCain’s candidacy and campaign were comically weak and that Barack Obama’s was quite possibly the best run, managed and executed campaign in the history of the world, I still couldn’t believe that he’d actually win. Not here. But he did. Wow.

Fox News

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Filed under General, Philly

Break From Politics.

When I was a teen growing up in Mt. Airy, I used to hang out in the woods near my house. A favorite spot was along an abandoned rail bed near the border of Mt. Airy and Chestnut Hill. The rail line was set in a long, wide ditch full of tall grasses, nettles and ticks. It was an odd and empty place perfect for recreating teens.

About a dozen years ago, I starting spotting a red fox in this little corner of the woods. Since then my sister moved up to Mt. Airy and started walking her dog in the woods near tracks and the den. Earlier this year, she also spotted a fox. All summer she watched it as it raised her kits. Yesterday, she sent along some photos. All I have to say, is this fox looks about 100x healthier than the scraggly, mangy specimen I saw up in Maine earlier this year. This is well within the borders of the city. Neat:


I ain’t no fucking snitch

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Filed under General, Philly

On Friday I agreed to shoot a dance performance at Mascher Space co-op in Kensington. As I turned off Girard and headed north on Germantown ave towards the studio, I slowed my bike to a gentle roll and took in the Halloween night. On busier streets I’d been on edge, watching out for the million plus drunks making their way back home from the (in-fucking-credible) Phillies victory parade. But by the time I got to Germantown and Jefferson I was the only person on the street.

I enjoy the feeling of being alone in a city. Just as I was sinking into the vast loneliness of the empty lots, locked warehouses and broken glass, the street’s silence broke. Behind me I heard a car driving fast. The noise of the engine was a few hundred feet away, but based on the sound, I rode through shards of glass and crumbling pavement to get my ass on the sidewalk as quickly as I could. There was no time to get out of the way and I expected the car to whip by me at 70mph.

Instead I heard screeching… and more screeching and a horrible crash and more screeching and more metal on metal and then silence. I stopped my bike and whipped around in time to see the silhouette of a man bolting across the street heading west on Master street. The wrecked car itself was out of sight around the corner. In the second that I had to think, I thought that I should call the police and go see what the fuck happened.

But I only had a second, because as soon as the running man was out of sight, the car screeched back onto the road. Now my thoughts were a lot different.

This car was running from something. They were driving highway speeds on a residential street, they crashed, one guy bailed and the driver was taking off before anyone could find him. Now the car was speeding towards me. I was alone, the street was empty, whoever was in the car was into some serious shit and I was the only person on earth resembling a witness. So I ran. I took off the wrong way down Jefferson street. I heard the car moving up Germantown and either swerving around corners or just swerving. Within seconds there were sirens.

I didn’t stop. Using a strategy I’d picked up last time a potentially homicidal maniac chased me by car, I headed the wrong way down one way streets and sought out areas with people. I heard the car make the turn behind me… possibly, but I didn’t slow down to look. I just turned my little blinky light off with one hand and rode away from the scene as fast as I could.

I crossed the empty expanse of American street and turned north on southbound second. A minute later I was at the studio where a bunch of people in costumes milled around the entrance. In an adrenaline fueled haze, I explained to the costumed doorman that I was there to shoot the show. Something about talking to a man dressed as the grim reaper and acting the part of the macabre, costumed hipster-artist was annoying as fuck. Since the show included nudity I insisted that proper arrangements had been worked out and that I was legitimately commissioned to be there. I’m sure that I came off as nuts as I fidgeted and spoke in broken sentences, ditching my coat and tripod behind a car and dodging from the view of passing cars. If the costumed doorman is out there reading this, sorry about that. I’m usually not that crazy.

As I locked my bike up, I heard a helicopter hovering nearby. I considered calling the cops again, but realized that I was basically useless. I heard a crash and saw a moving silhouette. I never saw the car, I never saw clothes, I couldn’t describe a suspect and had no idea where the car or running man were going. They might have turned east, but then again they might have gone west, or north. The cops were on top of it in seconds and I couldn’t do anything but waste their time as a piss poor ear witness.

I was glad to see that whatever happened didn’t make the news, so I can only assume that no one died. Cheers to that. That’s all for now.